When I started this semester I promised myself that I wouldn’t abandon this website, and that I would commit myself to write one post a month. Shamefully, October was a bust, and I really haven’t written anything interesting these days.
But starting university has been semi-interesting. Let me tell you how I’ve been.
semester 1
The best word that can describe my experience so far is underwhelming. It’s not very fun. I thought university life would inspire something great from within me, but it’s so monotonous that it feels pointless. I can partially blame myself. I haven’t been able to make many friends and I haven’t found the will to commit to any extracurriculars. I feel lonely but I don’t care about anything enough to push myself. I guess that I don’t know who I am yet. That’s okay.
My grades this semester have been great. I’ve improved significantly with time management. I have a simple routine: Wake up early, do all the work, then find something to do for the rest of the day. This system has really reduced my academic anxiety to just about zero. I can’t say the same for my physical health. For the past few weeks I’ve been feeling constantly dizzy, weak and tired. It’s not bad enough to be worth a doctor’s visit, but it stops me from getting stuff done. I can feel myself getting better recently, however.
I would love to write a short paragraph or two sharing some of my tips on studying that have helped me greatly, but I think that will have to wait until I’m done with exams.
even in rain
November 6, 2025. The moon was particularly big this night. I remember that it was raining, but just a little.
Language rant: I’ve given up on Chinese and Latin. (For now). I’m probably going to get back into Chinese, and revisit Latin conjugation and declensions, but I’m not sure whether if I want to dedicate much more time to Latin. I’ve noticed that people who love Latin learn it for all the wrong reasons (at least on the internet). I’ll probably start learning French or Spanish as a replacement.
I have been reading exclusively Japanese and Korean novels recently. I don’t know why, exactly. Perhaps I feel a misplaced proximity to these societies. What strikes me about them is how sad they all are. From the outside looking in, these two societies seem to be great at creating miserable outsiders. For example, I recently a collection of Osamu Dazai’s short stories. For whatever reason, Dazai has published more than a dozen short stories from the perspective of various women. That fact alone conflicted with my belief that he was some sort of simple misogynist (as one may infer from No Longer Human). I think he was a far more complicated figure. After reading more of his work, I would say that he was a terminally depressed man with strange thoughts and leftist tendencies, whilst lacking any real ‘revolutionary spirit’. His life makes me sad in a way. It reminds me how people have to flatten parts of themselves to fulfill society’s expectations, and that is a great tragedy.
These days I have become apphrensive about my future. Not in any concrete “what career path do I follow?” because I have already decided that I want to pursue being a doctor. It’s more so an anxiety of what I have to give up to get there. I don’t want to lose myself chasing this goal. I have horrible dreams of waking up to a job I detest, and realizing that there’s no turning back. Not to mention all the money I’ll have to return. Lol.
The first value study attempt I did. It’s obviously not perfect. Some of the shapes are off.
In other news, at the start of October I finally dedicated myself to learning how to draw. It’s always been a skill I admired, but it was always too daunting to start. I initially started with pen and paper, with absolutely zero knowledge of anything artistic. (I did not even know what perspective was). I have spent around 1-3 hours daily on this skill. One month later, I think I’m getting better even if I’m still not very good. I hope that I’ll make something I’m proud of to show you one day.
Thank you for reading if you’ve gotten this far, seriously. I realize I didn’t have much positive stuff to share. I apologize. Please have a good night for me!