It’s disheartening how powerless one feels in life. I’ve never been able to accept the idea that anyone can be anyone they want. It’s as ridiculous as claiming that one can fly if they believe hard enough. Yes, humans can hope, humans can try, but there’s really not much you can do beyond that.
Anything can happen at anytime
This month, I have repeated that phrase in my head constantly. It changes meaning depending on what I’m feeling. When I’m sad, it means that I could fall ill and never see my family again. When I’m happy, it means that I could open the door and have all my problems dissolve in an instant. Of course none of this happens. I just think that it’d be better if I can anticipate it, then I would know what to do… (Don’t Laugh!).
What can you really do other than to stay slightly hopeful?
Even in action, humans are creatures of reaction
When I was in high school, I absolutely hated my French class. I saw no purpose in it. But as I have started learning the language anew, I have noticed that it had nothing to do with the language itself and everything with the conditions of the time. I was busy with other things like mental issues and other classes. The learning material was boring, lifeless and impersonal. There was no real imperative to learn other to check off a graduation requirement. I catch myself thinking, “What if my life were just a little different? What if the class material fit me better? Would I then have 4 years of French literacy under my belt? What else have I misunderstood? Is it so that in a few years, I will be yet again completely unrecognizable?”
This alien force, that even my desires are not my own, reinforces the idea that the world will have its way with me. That I will be transformed by it, that I will act and react yet still be undeniably limited by the context of my life, gives me a quesy feeling inside. It’s not totally powerlessness, I think. More like a sick feeling of fear and shame. I hope I can stop thinking about this anxious nonsense from now on.
University is starting. This will be my second year. I am excited to see what’s in store.
C’est tout que je peux dire maintenent.
This entry has been tagged with: